the plan

so everyone asks me, "so what are you going to do?" and i used to enjoy answering with a shrug, "i dunno." i enjoyed the look on people's faces when i conveyed that i obviously didn't give a shit. but that's a lie. i do care what i'm going to do, and its going to be amazing. its amazing now. but the question itself is starting to get on my nerves. my current diffusing answer is, "i'm doing it." although an excellent conversation stopper, it doesn't help people understand what i'm thinking.

and i want to tell you what i'm thinking. because i care about letting you in. here is what i'm thinking:

the question stems from our total inability to live in the present. i think this is a malignant effect of our over-consumptive, status-based society. what's the first question you get at a party after introductions? "What do you do?" i was in New Zealand for two months and i maybe heard this question five times despite the fact that i met tens of new people daily. Kiwis don't care what you do because they know there is so much more to life. Sure, if they know you long enough they'll ask you but they can relate to you just fine without knowing.

so right now, i'm not doing nothing, i'm doing everything.

when was the last time you just sat and did nothing but listen to yourself think? breathe? enjoy that soup you made (take as long to eat it as you did to cook it), watch the rain run down the window, look at a painting (really look into it), take a nap, have a conversation with someone you just met at the market, draw a picture (even though you can't)? the point is, when was the last time you didn't have to worry about what you were going to do after you're doing what you're doing right now?

the surprising thing is i've found that all of these things are incredibly more rewarding and more difficult to do when they are spontaneous.

if you are anything like i was, you would never had really asked yourself what you were doing in your job, in your life. throughout my whole life i had been trying to get that grade to get into that school to get that job to get that money. but i never stopped to ask myself why i was doing any of it.

once i started asking, i didn't like the answers i came up with.

i worked in high tech. we built products that, although they often pushed the limits of technology, were really poisoning the earth and society in tangible ways. now i wasn't in the defense industry. i wasn't building weapons of mass destruction. maybe making video encoders isn't 100% awful. maybe only 30% awful. i may not like TV, but who's to say that others don't glean enjoyment from it? they obviously do. couldn't that be enough for me? to make other people happy?

but driving to/from work 2 hours a day at an everage speed of 35 mph, sitting in a cubicle, designing these products that were manufactured with toxic chemicals, that would be around sitting in heaps of trash that my great-great-grandkids could scale - for what? for television? for a nice paycheck? no way. i was voting with my feet. the natural beauty of the world means too much to me to contribute to a way of life that i don't agree with. i enjoyed working with the people in my company, but all the while hating the structure, hating the premise, hating our effect, and dying a little bit everyday.

i was on the wrong path. and i knew it.

i saw the excellent documentary the corporation the week before i quit. i felt that i had to do something. i went through a period of hating corporate capitalism.

renewed hope came with a trip to New Zealand, where my faith in people was a little bit restored. these people really led balanced lives. most had multiple jobs and nearly all were active. they were an example for the world. it didn't hurt that their country was beautiful either, encouraging them all the while to get outside.

while i was there i read the also excellent Ecology of Commerce by Paul Hawken. if you do nothing else for the rest of your life, read this book! the point: we are generating exponential waste in a finite world. it can't go on. and it won't. so we best start doing something about it. it proposes a real way to have capitalism and a sustainable future at the same time.

so the plan will include a little bit of this, and a little bit of that. but whatever i do, i will contribute to making the world a better place.

its scary to ask yourself the question. the answers can be unsettling. but it is worth it. just ask Po Bronson:

You can make decisions to pad your wallet. You can make decisions to maintain proper appearances. You can make decisions because they're safe or predictable. You can make decisions because it'll keep your parents off your back. You can make decisions simply to delay making harder decisions. I began this book because I was drawn, artistically, to those who've made decisions to serve none of those ends. I was interested in people who resisted those pressures and made a decision simply because it was good, or right, or true to their nature - and were willing to be challenged by the consequences.